I don't wanna be, Anyone who would wanna know me.

For the most part, I keep my beliefs to myself. I've never been one to shy away from a question about my beliefs or whatever, but I don't wear them on my sleeve. They are a dear part of who I am and how I try to live my life and treat others. Religion, however, is like garlic. It's the turning point of the dish. In many cases it takes the flavor of whatever you are cooking, and maximizes its full potential. The problem is, once it is on your hands and on your breath, it smells like shit and almost immediately turns everybody off to whatever you are doing.

I have found myself for the most part, bitter to the core with most of the people I share a faith with over the past 8 years. To an extent, I am ashamed of that fact. I don't believe in pushing my faith or culture on anybody else, but within my own faith I have so much pent up hatred and prejudice for anyone who has happiness. I see an SUV with a YoungLife sticker on it and immediately assume that within 2 degrees of separation there is a 20 something bible study leader fucking a 15 year old. Or I assume its another earth fare college jesus hippie smoking pipe tobacco and drinking a $5 bottle of gaelic ale talking about a handfull of really good outreach programs to benefit an oppressed people in a world that I'll probably never go to.

When I step back and think about it. Its not that I have so much pent up hatred for christians, or hippies, or idealistic college kids, or whomever. Its that I have a problem with the downfalls of humanity across the board. Most of all, I have a problem with me. I don't see a kid in a pathfinder with 2 coexist stickers, a chaco sticker, and an invisible children sticker and hate the person. I hate the fact that people younger, and with less resources than I have, have managed to raise awareness about something that they feel strongly about.

Last week I had a minor setback that landed me in the hospital for 6 days. As I would imagine most people do when they legitimately think that they are about to die, I prayed. I didn't pray that God would make me better, or that the pain would stop. It was more along the lines of, God, I'm alright with you, I know that. Problem is, my mom and I'd say a few others don't. Please don't send anyone to talk to me about you while I'm stuck in this bed. As an answer I got a few cards, and a study bible, and I didn't die. My moms preacher came in on the last day. He said hey, shot the shit and left. Honestly it was good seeing him and I didn't hear a fire/brimstone message. After he left I felt like such an asshole. It was like I was dreading seeing anyone come in to talk to me with fear of what they may talk about that I put out bad vibes.

I guess what I'm getting at is its easy to hate. Its easy to become consumed by everything that you think sucks about your surroundings. When you do this you slowly but surely start alienating yourself from relationships that could be super rewarding in the long run. The worst part about it is, the longer you let yourself grow bitter, the easier it is to project everything you hate about yourself on the people that you think you can't stand. This only keeps the wheel spinning.