New Start

My biggest fear that the end of summer brings every year is the almost instant depression i let myself fall into. I drink more, I hate more, I live less. Its all something i bring upon myself. Its not a genetic predisposition. I hit the time of year where I get to reflect on the bad choices i have made in my life, and how I'm not the only one who has to suffer from it. Mostly it has to do with money. Some of it has to do with not being where i would like to be as far as my life goals. I didn't set many, so I have reached most of them by now. The biggest thing that gets me is the fact that my wife has to work. I understand it is 2010 almost. Women should have carreers if they want to have one. I know that she doesn't mind to work, but i would love it if she could work because she can, and chooses to. It kills me that she can't dive into becoming what she wants to be head first because we can't afford for her to not make the money she makes.

I talk with my parents about this from time to time. When i was growing up they struggled alot worse than we do. My dad never complained one time, nor did my mother. When I get really down in the dumps, my mom always tells me to suck it up and that I only get what I work for. I always have something to come back with like, " i work my fucking ass off and don't have shit to show for it". This makes her furious, mostly because i honestly have an easy job, a beautiful wife and child, an amazing circle of friends, a house, and a scene that is such that no matter what kind of show or who is playing, i never feel like I am there alone. She's alot smarter than I give her credit for. Sometimes I act like she is batshit crazy, but she holds it down no matter the circumstance. I love my mother.

For about a year now I have been entertaining the idea of going to school to cut hair. I wanted to do it when i was younger, but I didn't pursue it because I felt it wasn't a masculine enough job for a guy. I was closed minded and kind of sexist i guess. I can blame whatever i want for the feelings, but it was stupid to attatch a gender roll to something that could potentially be a good career. As I grew older, I guess I started understanding that gender rolls were shit, marriages were partnerships, not ownerships. Anyway, I was discussing this with my dad a few weeks ago and trying to figure out how i was going to pay for the school.

This past week my mom called to let me know that they had finally paid off thier house. My dad was actually in tears when he cut the last check. When mom was telling me about this it hit me. This guy has worked his ass off since he was 14 to make his own way. His dad died when he was 15. He has scraped to get by and has provided for everyone no matter what since then. He fanally has something that he owns. He is stoked. I am very happy for him. He offered to pay for me to go to school as long as I stick with it and finish. In a way, I am kind of ashamed that i am this old and my father is paying for me to go to school. On the other hand I know how excited he is to help me.

Going to school is going to be awesome and weird. The best part is that I have a new set of goals. I have a new "this is where i want to be in 5 years" plan. I am scared shitless to think of how i'm going to pay for insurance and all of that good stuff. In a weird way, it is an excited scary.

I dunno.