Dirty finger nails, muddy shoes

/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [ruht] Show IPA ,noun, verb, rut-ted, rut-ting.
–noun
1.
a furrow or track in the ground, esp. one made by the passage of a vehicle or vehicles.
2.
any furrow, groove, etc.
3.
a fixed or established mode of procedure or course of life, usually dull or unpromising: to fall into a rut.
–verb (used with object)
4.
to make a rut or ruts in; furrow.

How often do we find ourselves in one of these definitions of this same word. In one way or another? I let myself slide into definiton 3 too often. It seems to me that the catalyst is always clutter. A couple of years ago my job cut my hours to about 15 a week. So, I worked 2 jobs to make ends meet. One minimum wage (5.15/hr) and one off of tips. My water pump and timing belt went out in my car while taking a delivery for said job. This, along with a couple of bad descisions helped me max out a credit card or two. In order to make ends meet, and keep up with hanging out with my friends who, at the time, had little or no bills, I let my own finances pile up. Instead of getting my ass in gear and taking initiative, I played music and traveled. Most of my money went to that.

Suddenly my 1200 in credit card bills was closing in on 4000. Paying the minimum payment would only, really cover the over the limit charges that would occour every month that I didn't send them the $600 to catch up my cards. Even tho it took almost a year to dig into this storm of bad descisions, it seemd like this just happened overnight. I felt like a total piece of crap, and to boot, my credit score reflected the same. I was in a rut. The funny thing was, being in this rut, should have been my motivation to get out of it, and fast. The reality was, the more it piled up, the more I wanted to just act like it wasnt there. Finally, I took care of it and consolidated them, and within a year or so completely paid them off. Now I have to get a cosigner for a Gap card if I want one.

One of the worst things about being in a rut isn't the rut itself; it's the fact that once you are there you start clinging to the things that do make you happy, and that do make you feel like everything is buisiness as usual. For me it has been everything from Jesus, to Wild Turkey. Don't get me wrong, These are things I still enjoy to this day, for the most part. Finding what makes you happy when you are in a rut is important. When it becomes your escape, it becomes a problem. I have had about 3 different times in my life where I felt the need to stop drinking. I can call it whatever I want, but it just became something that was too important to me for as miniscule of a part of me that it really was. It always happens about mid-autumn, when the days get shorter. When I get out of work at 6:30 and its already dark. Night time makes me want to either sleep, or go out. Many times I choose the later. So I wake up in time to go to work. I see about 15 minutes of daylight each day like that. Before I know it, I am in a rut.

Here is my point. Every day I read someone's twitter post, or myspace bulletin, or facebook update, Someone, will have something utterly depressing to say. I'm not talking about someone saying "I just got done scraping dog shit off of my nikes, and then stepped in the same pile of crap on the way to my car.. FML", I'm talking about this all around emptiness and hopelessness that we are carrying from our youth all the way through our adulthood. Does social networking perpetuate this? Is it the 24 hour news? Is it the constant barrage of information that we process through the day?

It seems to me that today, for alot of people, life in America is like a red hot pepper covered in chocolate that nobody told you about. Its sweet at first taste, but once you bite in, you are committed, and it burns the entire way as it goes down. Are we truly this disenfranchised? If so, is it worth the effort it would take for us to do anything more than to constantly destroy our brains and our bodies? If it is truly this bad, how is it going to effect the next generation behind us? Has this party till you puke/girls gone wild new millenium lifestyle been forcefed to us by a new world order so that we will all die young and we won't freak out when we turn 72 and have no social security check coming in? Could it be?

I was led to believe in school that working in a resturant was not a respectable career. So I decided that I wasn't going to learn to work a "trade job" like my dad worked. No, i was going to college, and I was going to be a teacher. My test I took in high school said that I would be best fitted to be a welder or do some sort of maintenence. I kind of put myself above having a job like that. Now, I think of how awesome it would be to know how to do anything without having to pay someone to put a new roof on my house, fix my own car, etc.

Some of us went to college and found that it wasn't for us just yet. This didn't fit the time frame that we had set for ourselves since we were 12 or 13 years old. We took the jobs that we said we never would take. Instead of being happy about being able to pay our bills and have a few bucks to go get a beer when we were done, we decided that the world had shit on us. I'll be the first to say that I did too. It wasn't our parents fault, our teachers faults, George W Bush's fault, or any of the above. It's simply the hand that we played with the cards we were dealt. Most of us are where we are because of the descisions we have made.

Some of us stay in relationships out of habit. This can have all three definitions of the word rut. You start going down a beaten path. You can't get out. You have a love/hate relationship with your significant other, you just don't want to be the bad guy. You know the one, closed mouthed kisses, holding hands but not making eye contact, a fuck without a kiss. Where are we going with relationships like this? Do we really see ourselves happier in 5 years? If the answer is yes. Fight for it. Make small changes every day in what you do. Take small steps every day to let the person you are in love with know that you care. If the answer is no, get out of it. Get rid of the clutter in your life.

My point in all of this is. Its hard to get out of a rut. It is hard to find a good start in clearing the clutter out of your life, and making small changes to the descisions you have made. I have tried to meditate, I always fell asleep and woke up stressed that I forgot to do something. Today you should try something new. When you take that first smoke break, instead of hitting that camel, stand on your porch, steps, stoop, or break area, close your eyes and take 10 deep breaths. I mean fill your lungs untill you have no room, and then breathe out. If you want to, close your eyes and stretch. Get your blood pumping, make yourself remember what it feels like to be alive. This above all is the most important part.
Life.