I don't wanna be, Anyone who would wanna know me.

For the most part, I keep my beliefs to myself. I've never been one to shy away from a question about my beliefs or whatever, but I don't wear them on my sleeve. They are a dear part of who I am and how I try to live my life and treat others. Religion, however, is like garlic. It's the turning point of the dish. In many cases it takes the flavor of whatever you are cooking, and maximizes its full potential. The problem is, once it is on your hands and on your breath, it smells like shit and almost immediately turns everybody off to whatever you are doing.

I have found myself for the most part, bitter to the core with most of the people I share a faith with over the past 8 years. To an extent, I am ashamed of that fact. I don't believe in pushing my faith or culture on anybody else, but within my own faith I have so much pent up hatred and prejudice for anyone who has happiness. I see an SUV with a YoungLife sticker on it and immediately assume that within 2 degrees of separation there is a 20 something bible study leader fucking a 15 year old. Or I assume its another earth fare college jesus hippie smoking pipe tobacco and drinking a $5 bottle of gaelic ale talking about a handfull of really good outreach programs to benefit an oppressed people in a world that I'll probably never go to.

When I step back and think about it. Its not that I have so much pent up hatred for christians, or hippies, or idealistic college kids, or whomever. Its that I have a problem with the downfalls of humanity across the board. Most of all, I have a problem with me. I don't see a kid in a pathfinder with 2 coexist stickers, a chaco sticker, and an invisible children sticker and hate the person. I hate the fact that people younger, and with less resources than I have, have managed to raise awareness about something that they feel strongly about.

Last week I had a minor setback that landed me in the hospital for 6 days. As I would imagine most people do when they legitimately think that they are about to die, I prayed. I didn't pray that God would make me better, or that the pain would stop. It was more along the lines of, God, I'm alright with you, I know that. Problem is, my mom and I'd say a few others don't. Please don't send anyone to talk to me about you while I'm stuck in this bed. As an answer I got a few cards, and a study bible, and I didn't die. My moms preacher came in on the last day. He said hey, shot the shit and left. Honestly it was good seeing him and I didn't hear a fire/brimstone message. After he left I felt like such an asshole. It was like I was dreading seeing anyone come in to talk to me with fear of what they may talk about that I put out bad vibes.

I guess what I'm getting at is its easy to hate. Its easy to become consumed by everything that you think sucks about your surroundings. When you do this you slowly but surely start alienating yourself from relationships that could be super rewarding in the long run. The worst part about it is, the longer you let yourself grow bitter, the easier it is to project everything you hate about yourself on the people that you think you can't stand. This only keeps the wheel spinning.

New Start

My biggest fear that the end of summer brings every year is the almost instant depression i let myself fall into. I drink more, I hate more, I live less. Its all something i bring upon myself. Its not a genetic predisposition. I hit the time of year where I get to reflect on the bad choices i have made in my life, and how I'm not the only one who has to suffer from it. Mostly it has to do with money. Some of it has to do with not being where i would like to be as far as my life goals. I didn't set many, so I have reached most of them by now. The biggest thing that gets me is the fact that my wife has to work. I understand it is 2010 almost. Women should have carreers if they want to have one. I know that she doesn't mind to work, but i would love it if she could work because she can, and chooses to. It kills me that she can't dive into becoming what she wants to be head first because we can't afford for her to not make the money she makes.

I talk with my parents about this from time to time. When i was growing up they struggled alot worse than we do. My dad never complained one time, nor did my mother. When I get really down in the dumps, my mom always tells me to suck it up and that I only get what I work for. I always have something to come back with like, " i work my fucking ass off and don't have shit to show for it". This makes her furious, mostly because i honestly have an easy job, a beautiful wife and child, an amazing circle of friends, a house, and a scene that is such that no matter what kind of show or who is playing, i never feel like I am there alone. She's alot smarter than I give her credit for. Sometimes I act like she is batshit crazy, but she holds it down no matter the circumstance. I love my mother.

For about a year now I have been entertaining the idea of going to school to cut hair. I wanted to do it when i was younger, but I didn't pursue it because I felt it wasn't a masculine enough job for a guy. I was closed minded and kind of sexist i guess. I can blame whatever i want for the feelings, but it was stupid to attatch a gender roll to something that could potentially be a good career. As I grew older, I guess I started understanding that gender rolls were shit, marriages were partnerships, not ownerships. Anyway, I was discussing this with my dad a few weeks ago and trying to figure out how i was going to pay for the school.

This past week my mom called to let me know that they had finally paid off thier house. My dad was actually in tears when he cut the last check. When mom was telling me about this it hit me. This guy has worked his ass off since he was 14 to make his own way. His dad died when he was 15. He has scraped to get by and has provided for everyone no matter what since then. He fanally has something that he owns. He is stoked. I am very happy for him. He offered to pay for me to go to school as long as I stick with it and finish. In a way, I am kind of ashamed that i am this old and my father is paying for me to go to school. On the other hand I know how excited he is to help me.

Going to school is going to be awesome and weird. The best part is that I have a new set of goals. I have a new "this is where i want to be in 5 years" plan. I am scared shitless to think of how i'm going to pay for insurance and all of that good stuff. In a weird way, it is an excited scary.

I dunno.

Alpha Centauri

For some reason this song is stuck in my head today. I used to have a great uncle who was my favorite person in my family. He passed on when I was 19 or so, This song was for him.

Don't look down now, you're close than a miracle.
And I would be so selfish to say, that I wish you were you here
and as bright as your smile is, Tomorrow,
I'll let the morning come and Kiss my face
and I cannot help but smile.
and better yet, you're last words weren't good bye
But man, I'll see you soon.
and as breathing gets shallow, you rest with a smile.
Did you see angels comforting you?
and if this song could hold words
heaven coudl not hold the pages,
could i say this is not an option
its all that i know.
Lift your head to the sky, you rest with a smile
did you see angels coming for you.
and better yet
your last words weren't goodbye but i'll see you soon.
Don't look down now,
you're closer than a miracle.
and i would be selfish to say, that i wish you were here
and bright as your smile is, tomorrow,
i'll let the morning come and kiss my face.
And I cannot help but smile.

Is Growing up Giving in?

So,

Outside of getting married, and the usual. I have been activly trying not to grow up for the past 25 years. Thats not to say I don't take my responsibilities seriously, because I do, but I still feel I am at a good point between maturity, and immaturity. I guess part of me fears that if I grow up, I will lose interest in the handfull of things that bring me so much joy.



There is another part of me, deep inside my brain, that feels that maybe, if I lose my youth, I will lose touch with my sense of humor and compassion. I am a huge ballbreaker, and I pick on my friends fairly often, but in the same sense any time they hurt for any reason, a part of me hurts with them. I recently found out that someone that I went to school with when I was young had passed away. When I found out how, I had this lump in my throat, and knot in my stomach for 2 days. It felt as if, just by hearing about it, I was given just a taste of the darkness this person felt in thier life. I wouldn't consider myself a friend of this person, we haven't spoke in probably over 8 years. We used to go to the YMCA day camp in Erwin together. No matter how small of a role, or how large, people who were a part of a memory, even if they only had a walk on part, still complete it. Deep down I have this fear that as the people in my life fade away, they will take parts of that memory with them, like the foundation of a house crumbling.



All of this aside, natural progression of young adulthood in our society molds you into a certain category like it or not. That doesn't really bother me that much. I don't really try to change the things I do, unless I know that it has a deffinate negative effect on me. I try to focus on how my daughter is going to see me when she's old enough to start building her own personality. There is a good medium, I believe. I don't want to be the father that is trying to impress all of his kids 16 year old friends by smoking pot with them and accidentally leaving a 6 pack in the garage. Its funny, all of the dads/older guys I thought kicked so much ass when I was younger, are the same guys that I see now and wonder how they have survived this long.



All in all, I guess growing up isn't such a bad thing. We had a cookout at my house on friday and it was mostly couples that we have been friends with before they were couples. They either had kids, had kids on the way, or were on thier way to being on thier way in a few years. You know the one. It was different, it wasn't like it used to be when we would all bring a pack of hotdogs and an old english 40 and trash, and act like kids. For some reason, I had this sense of pride about how clean the house needed to be, How well the food was presented, and if there would be enough. It wasn't just that I was hosting the cookout, but I actually gave a crap about planning it. At one point when I had put my daughter down to sleep for the night, and returned to the porch to hang out with everyone, it hit me. I'm not a kid anymore, in fact, I feel like a grown up quite a bit. Most of all, I was happy. I realized that there is no place I would rather be.

Days are getting shorter

I think we may offically be in the "dog days" of summer. I can never really remember when that is. I just know that its getting dark earlier. Soon it will be dark when I leave work, and I will wake up only 2 hours before work. This puts me at seeing daylight in the order of 9:40-9:52(drive to work), 11:30-11:45, 2:15- 2:45, and 4:30-4:45, A grand total of 1 hour and 12 minutes to feel the sun warm my bones and bring color to my face. Somehow the though of this lets my own demons creep on in. Suddenly there is a weight back on my shoulders that makes it harder to breathe. My motivation to enjoy what I have left of summer is killed by the thought that in a few weeks it will be over, and my weekly fishing trip will ultimatly turn into my weekly trip to the bar to drink, and bitch about my job and family to my friends, even though I love both.

I don't know why, in spite of my own effords to not fall into it, a certain darkness has consumed much of my thought process and at times my attitude and overall existance. Its a wierd mix of melancholy, hatred, and worry. I see it all around me in the faces of my friends, strangers, and pseudo enemies. Two and three years ago we were all happy go lucky. We weren't super posi, but nobody had this flavor of darkness to them.

I saw Pillarist for the first time on wed. Killer band, they were awesome for thier first show. Luke has great stage presence, and a great voice. The bands music has a shai hulud-esque intensity which I love in a band. Luke's last words of the set were "God Damn Me" Luke and I aren't best buds, but I know how much he pours into what he writes. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and made me hurt for him. Art in any form is meant to envoke emotion. If it does evoke emotion then it has fufilled its porpose. It kills me though. Is my generation going to swim in this cesspool of self loathing and depression untill we self Destruct?

I have no light at the end of the tunnel. I cannot say that I do not have have unwarranted hatred for everyone that keeps an unprovoked smile on thier faces from time to time. I have such a strong love for all of my friends and my family and humanity in general, but with that, I have my own demons that I fight. I will do what I to keep them at bay, so I can be there for anyone who needs me at any time. To truly be a drink of water to a world of bitter tongues. In the mean time I will struggle with my own faith, the one thing that I doubt on a daily basis, that I say i believe in, and that i say i do not believe in, sometimes is the only thing that is real to me.

Man made Religion, and by God, Religion has failed. God Created faith, Faith will prevail.

New Direction

I'm going to start taking this blog in a new direction. I am going to assume that those of you who actually read this know me personally and have read other posts. For a while, at least, I'm going to dedicate this to writing new lyrics. Some i may put to music, Most will stay here forever and nothing will ever be done with them. Either way, I want to share them with you.

The first picture I can see from my earliest memory
Is riding over the bridge where the river split the states.
My father packed all we owned in a 5x8 Uhaul
And we pulled that wagon south in a blue dodge omni

Le Claire to Knoxville to Watts barr in a 5 speed compact car
Goodbye Iowa, Hello Tennessee...
Chicago..northwestern couldn't afford us in 89, the year of our lord ya.
so we moved on to better things..

I saw the old man run through a bottle of whiskey 'till he was crawling on the ground
when things were at their worst, he refused to let it kill him. And one day,
he layed that bottle down, and never looked back.

We lived in trailors, apartments, and floors, to a house with a screened in porch. We never went without, and I was never in need.
Paying dues, for the union's sake, To going camping down by the lake, and we never once were to busy to blink.

And when i was 8 we bought a house just a couple of blocks from downtown, and he re hammered every nail one room at a time. His heart stopped in the crawl space in the fall of 92
but he was back to grindstone in no time, I guess he just wasn't through

Crawling through mud and oil and coal, Colored black from his head to his toes. and never once did i hear him complain.
Never stuttered never lied, a thousand times more stubborn than I.
More stubborn than I

Expected to reach pandemic levels

How many of you out there just finished washing your hands? Do you have a bottle of germicide in your pocket/purse? Have you seen people who are wearing those ridiculous masks to not catch this new H1N1 virus?

At what point did fear become the motivator of cleanliness? We should all be mindful of bacteria that can make us sick and watsh our hands/clean up after ourselves regularly. There comes a point where we do things compulsively. Remember the anthrax scare in the early 2000's?
We were sure that somehow Saddamn Huessein himself was going to poison every warm blooded american with this disease that, per usual, People were running around in medical masks. There were even people who were taking antibiotics to "boost their defenses" against the virus, and doctors were prescribing it! People who had no illness and no exposure were taking sipro so they wouldn't get the virus. I'm no doctor, but i'm pretty sure that taking antibiotics when you do not need them build up your immunity to the antibiotics, and if you were to get sick, they wouldn't help you as much as if you had drank your orange juice and took your vitatmans.

Soon after that we had Sars, and honestly I'm not even sure what the hell Sars did. I know that the company we got our cds from had to put ours on backorder for a minute because someone there was infected before they sent us the cds. Next came the H5N1 (bird flu) virus. This was supposed to reach bubonic plague proportions. Jesus Christ himself wouldnt' have been able to stop this killer. You saw graphic videos on the news of bulldozers just plowing through piles and piles of dead poultry pushing it toward the giant bonfire. So people once again dawned masks and gloves everywhere they went. Maybe they didn't want to get bulldozed into a fire.

in my era (that i can remember)
we have had a handfull of things that we should be very afraid of here's a list

1.jack in the box e coli scare.
2. Salmonela scare
3. Mad Cow Diseases
4. Foot and Mouth virus
5. Swimming pool filters pullilng your intestines out of your ass if you sit on them.
6. Sars
7. bird flu
8. anthrax
9. global warming
10. Polar ice cap melting
11. swine flu
12. Islamic terrorism
13. Radon
14. Cabon Monoxide (the silent killer)

I'm just saying, There is life and there is death. Things can kill you, who cares. Your car could burst into flames while you are driving today. Are you going to avoid driving? Just take minor precatutions like you do with everything else. You dont' shoot bottle rockets while you are pumping gas, or stand in water while working on an electrical outlet with the juice on. Its common sense. Wash your hands don't worry about it.

This swine flu is going to blow over faster than $4 a gallon gasoline. You could just as easily drop dead stroke or heart attack. Live a little bit, and unless you have an immunal difficiency get rid of the mask.