Remember back when you were a new comer to whatever it is you do now? Your first day on the job, the first show you booked, the first time you kissed a girl/guy, went to a big concert, tried to find your class in a new school, got your drivers liscense, or cashed your first paycheck?
This is all trivial stuff to you at one point. After a while it becomes routine and the new wears off, and your pulse doesn't increase at the thought of it. That doesn't take away from the fact that all of these things are important aspects of your everyday life, they just take the backseat to the stress and responsibility that we take on as we get older.
The person i have to take my hat off to for taking it so easy is Marcus. That guy is one of my favorite people out. He is probably one of the best musicians in the area, he has never wanted to be in a big touring band, or be that serious with his music. Honestly I think that he has gained more enjoyment out of playing music than anyone else because of this. He still skateboards, plays four square, and all around just hangs out the same way that I did when I was a younger guy. The thing is, he has his shit together better than most other people do. I have to applaud him for that.
I have recently started fishing more often like I did when i was a kid. Every day that I can I go to the lake. Its not that i plan on landing the big one. I have a special sense of solitude when i go out. I don't have to think about anything, and I get to soak up the sun for just a little bit. That makes me feel great. I work 40 hours inside a call center. I smell stale recycled air all day long. I don't sweat, I don't freeze, i stay at a perfect core temperature. Its nice, don't get me wrong, but I feel locked in sometimes. Being outside golfing, fishing, riding my bicycle, whatever makes me feel human. I suggest it.
I guess what i'm getting at today is, to my group of friends and others, What did you love to do when it was just you. Before we started enjoying staying out late and drinking our livers out, and smoking our memory away? What did you love before you had to clean up and start chasing girls/guys. What did you love when it was just you and you weren't a part of something bigger? Before hanging out meant going to amigo and eating a plate of nachos and telling shitty jokes to each other?
Think of this, remember when we didn't have many good shows here? Remember one out of 3 of your friends had a reliable car? Remember everyone piling in to that one car and driving to charlotte to see Bleeding Through, and Walls of Jericho? It was fun, driving with the windows down, the sun beating in. Or there being that one fest out of the year that you saved your dollars for and driving 8-12 hours to go to Cornerstone, Hellfest, New England M/hc fest. These are a few things i can think of off the top of my head. Either way, this was before we stayed out all night and partied constantly. It was less stressful. I had more hair, Girls weren't crying everywhere we went for no reason. It reminds me of my youth.
There is nothing wrong with where we are today. We, for the most part, still embrace our youth. This town has so much more to do in it now than it ever has before. I do, however, have a request for you. Only you will be the one who has something to gain from it. This year, i don't care how busy you are. Take time to think about what you love to do that is outside of your norm now. Go fishing, Go hiking, take a road trip, plan a cookout, go to a swimming hole. Have a LAN party, whatever. We live in such a beautiful part of the country there is no reason to stay couped up in a house unless you just absolutely hate nature. Do something you love.
We see in three dimensions, but how many angles? If your life were a movie, and every scene had a different camera taking shots from a different angle, How much of it would you be able to watch without falling asleep? If the movie were called "Life" would it be an oxymoron? Would you find that you aren't living at all? How big would the cast be? How many charachters would have a big role? How many other movies would you have a big role in?
How many of these would you have a "walk on part, in a background shot of a movie you're not in?"
Life is the most important part.
Second is how you live it.
I get by with a little help from my friends.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
iron sharpens iron
We all like to think that we would go out on a limb and help out anyone in need. Especially our friends. If you are anything like me, you hold your true friends close to your heart as if they were you brother or sister, and your aquaintences you view as friends that you aren't that close to, but would still help them however you possibly could at any time. Sometimes bridges are burned, and you don't speak for a while. This ultimately comes full circle when you decide at one point that you either don't need the baggage of that person, or you decide that they are important enough to you to make amends any means neccesary.
One example I have involves one of the poeple that I have been close to for almost 10 years now. In 2005 or 06 we had a falling out that was horrible. Some things that didn't involve him built up to a point where, since we hadn't been honest with each other and discussed the matter at hand for one reason or another, he was forced to choose sides on something that, had I been in his shoes I would have done the same thing, and had he been in my shoes he would have probably reacted the same way. In a total moment of anger and frustration I attacked everything that made him the person that I honestly loved him for being. That night was the last time we spoke untill, I guess, January of 2008. Through bull headedness, I lost 2 years with one of my best friends in life. We still aren't as close as we used to be, that hurts my soul.
On another level, however, you have to ask yourself how far would you go for a friend. How badly would you inconvenience yourself? Dan Erb, even though he is a hot head, is the most outgoing person I've ever met that was sincere about it. One time a few years ago, on a night that he should have gone to bed early because he had to work the next morning at like 7, he decided it would be a better idea to throw a birthday party for a couple of girls that we are friends with. After all those chicks got good and loaded we all decided to go home. I lived all the way on the west side of town, and he lived on the southeast side. Well, I ran out of gas like a mile from my house. Dan, at 3 a.m. drives over to where i'm broke down. Then, stays with my zombie drunk wife while I take his car to the gas station to get gas. I get back and he's holding her hair back while she's throwing up. Never one time did he say, you owe me one.
Here's where it gets tricky. 7 years ago when i had my first place, I would have let anybody stay with me that needed to. Wether or not i knew them that well, If they needed a place to crash, I would have offered it. As I got older, I gained more responsibility, and less room in my places. I would still let most bands stay with me if they needed it, or friends that were traveling through, but I couldn't offer anything to just anyone. Now with a wife and a child, and after being burned by people who have stayed with me in the past, I get antsy when people are at my house for more than like an hour or so at a time other than Rogers or Joey or any of my crew of friends. I also find myself with less time to be able to directly help people right away when they need it. I can always talk, but I can't always meet up somewhere, or come get people. Honestly most of my friends never ask.
Is it normal to become more of an intravert the older you get? Is it progression of human beings to go back into the coccoon? The older I get, the more I hold dear the few times that I do get to hang out and act like a kid. Now, moreso than ever, I feel like I live a double life. By day i'm a working father. I go to the grocery store, I work on my budget, I mow the yard, I cook dinner and take care of my little girl. Then every couple of weeks I get to be, for a couple of hours, an obnoxious drunk punk kid that I love to be. Both of these guys are the real me, how is that possible? I have alot more fun with my friends now too. I feel like I'm closer to alot of people than I ever have been. I guess they remind me of the things I love in life that aren't a part of me as a family man.
People give kids shit about how "it doesn't matter, in 2 years you'll be gone, and the hardcore scene will still be here, and i will still be here". I get frustrated when I see that. I know however, the reason this is said isn't because of something as miniscule as a simple show, with a band singing about stuff you agree with, its the fact that the comradery that comes with the sing-a-longs and the relationships that are built with the kids that attend can change like the wind. Its hard to put alot of stock in someone that is going to ride the tailcoat of whatever new trend they find and assemble a new entourage of friends with it. Nobody is going to tell you that, but deep down, the older guys that hang out are just sick of having to actively meet new friends ever 2 or three years. Being skeptical of new people is a defense against being let down.
I've been a good friend to alot of people, I think. I have also been a shitty friend to people and, at times, haven't went out of my way for the people that i really care about, and should go that extra mile for. This week, take some time to sit and think about what you could do to be a better friend to someone. Think about how much everybody that you love truely means to you.
Our only necessities in life are
Food
Clothing
Shelter.
You can get by on that, but it will be long and drawn out. Especially when you can get by with a little help from your friends.
The most important is life itself. Second in line is how you live it.
John Gibson, Joey, Eric, Brian, Dan, Tarvo, Wes, Ben, Derek, Chris, Will
This one's for you.
One example I have involves one of the poeple that I have been close to for almost 10 years now. In 2005 or 06 we had a falling out that was horrible. Some things that didn't involve him built up to a point where, since we hadn't been honest with each other and discussed the matter at hand for one reason or another, he was forced to choose sides on something that, had I been in his shoes I would have done the same thing, and had he been in my shoes he would have probably reacted the same way. In a total moment of anger and frustration I attacked everything that made him the person that I honestly loved him for being. That night was the last time we spoke untill, I guess, January of 2008. Through bull headedness, I lost 2 years with one of my best friends in life. We still aren't as close as we used to be, that hurts my soul.
On another level, however, you have to ask yourself how far would you go for a friend. How badly would you inconvenience yourself? Dan Erb, even though he is a hot head, is the most outgoing person I've ever met that was sincere about it. One time a few years ago, on a night that he should have gone to bed early because he had to work the next morning at like 7, he decided it would be a better idea to throw a birthday party for a couple of girls that we are friends with. After all those chicks got good and loaded we all decided to go home. I lived all the way on the west side of town, and he lived on the southeast side. Well, I ran out of gas like a mile from my house. Dan, at 3 a.m. drives over to where i'm broke down. Then, stays with my zombie drunk wife while I take his car to the gas station to get gas. I get back and he's holding her hair back while she's throwing up. Never one time did he say, you owe me one.
Here's where it gets tricky. 7 years ago when i had my first place, I would have let anybody stay with me that needed to. Wether or not i knew them that well, If they needed a place to crash, I would have offered it. As I got older, I gained more responsibility, and less room in my places. I would still let most bands stay with me if they needed it, or friends that were traveling through, but I couldn't offer anything to just anyone. Now with a wife and a child, and after being burned by people who have stayed with me in the past, I get antsy when people are at my house for more than like an hour or so at a time other than Rogers or Joey or any of my crew of friends. I also find myself with less time to be able to directly help people right away when they need it. I can always talk, but I can't always meet up somewhere, or come get people. Honestly most of my friends never ask.
Is it normal to become more of an intravert the older you get? Is it progression of human beings to go back into the coccoon? The older I get, the more I hold dear the few times that I do get to hang out and act like a kid. Now, moreso than ever, I feel like I live a double life. By day i'm a working father. I go to the grocery store, I work on my budget, I mow the yard, I cook dinner and take care of my little girl. Then every couple of weeks I get to be, for a couple of hours, an obnoxious drunk punk kid that I love to be. Both of these guys are the real me, how is that possible? I have alot more fun with my friends now too. I feel like I'm closer to alot of people than I ever have been. I guess they remind me of the things I love in life that aren't a part of me as a family man.
People give kids shit about how "it doesn't matter, in 2 years you'll be gone, and the hardcore scene will still be here, and i will still be here". I get frustrated when I see that. I know however, the reason this is said isn't because of something as miniscule as a simple show, with a band singing about stuff you agree with, its the fact that the comradery that comes with the sing-a-longs and the relationships that are built with the kids that attend can change like the wind. Its hard to put alot of stock in someone that is going to ride the tailcoat of whatever new trend they find and assemble a new entourage of friends with it. Nobody is going to tell you that, but deep down, the older guys that hang out are just sick of having to actively meet new friends ever 2 or three years. Being skeptical of new people is a defense against being let down.
I've been a good friend to alot of people, I think. I have also been a shitty friend to people and, at times, haven't went out of my way for the people that i really care about, and should go that extra mile for. This week, take some time to sit and think about what you could do to be a better friend to someone. Think about how much everybody that you love truely means to you.
Our only necessities in life are
Food
Clothing
Shelter.
You can get by on that, but it will be long and drawn out. Especially when you can get by with a little help from your friends.
The most important is life itself. Second in line is how you live it.
John Gibson, Joey, Eric, Brian, Dan, Tarvo, Wes, Ben, Derek, Chris, Will
This one's for you.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
In an attempt to find myself.
My generation can easily say that we have been the pampered generation of American History. Granted, every generation has its problems, and you can never really control the quality of a persons life when they have direct influence from parents, peers, etc. We haven't, yet, found our great depression that we have had to overcome. Today it is easier for us to go to college than it has ever been. In the past 15 years buying a home has been so easy, in fact, that in some cases people haven't even had to verify thier income to the bank or lender to recieve a home loan. We have the kids on free lunch programs at school who have an xbox360 and a plasma screen tv in thier homes. We as undeserving of a society as we are, have a certain quality of life that we expect to maintain even on the lowest levels of the social totem pole.
What is the outcome of all of this? We mature at a slower rate. We live with our parents way up into our 20's, we smoke and drink ourselves retarded, we go out on our own before we are ready, we blast through school with big heads and talk about how much money we are going to be making in a few years, or we live so recklessly that we crash and burn. Regardless at some point we hit a wall. Some go around it, some go over it, some go through it, then some of us sit down and put our backs to the wall. We watch our friends go by and wonder, how do I want to do this?
Our parents wanted to make our quality of life better than thiers were at our age. In doing this we were never taught that when we fall, sometimes we don't get back up right away. Suddenly we have to learn how to do things on our own. No one can really prepare you for the things that come at you in life, especially when everything has been as easy as most of us have had it. Its no great depression. For most of us its an experience that we cherish. Its something that we can use to reference from then on out.
When we realize that the values that we were raised on conflict with the person that we become we tend to go on our great journey to find ourselves in life. Many times these are become multiple pilgrimages. All of these bring us to where we either want to be, or end up being. With everything that I am blessed with, about twice a year I have the urge to sell everything, and move to some remote, out of the way place and live life at a different pace. Some of us go hitchhiking across the country, some of us party our lives away, some of us revert back to a minimalist attempt at survival and we hike, cycle, start bands and tour, join the armed forces, or cover our bodies with artwork, all for the thrill.
How many times have you heard a close friend who can't seem to get their shit together, inspite of a college degree, total capability, and a decent work ethic, tell you that they have to move away for a while to get some things worked out? My theory is that as human beings we require a certain level of stress and depression to motivate us to not be complacent. I whole heartedly support anybody who goes on thier own little pilgrimage to find themselves.
Above all, as I have said before, life itself is the most important part. Spring is here. Go to the river, or in the mountains, or your favorite place to be. If you want, play your favorite song. Close your eyes and relax yourself. Draw a mental image of what is around you. Breathe in deep through your nose, and when your lungs are bursting with air, record with all of your senses the place that makes you happy. Remember the smell, the song, the view, the air, remember everything. Dedicate that to memory. Remember what it was like to be alive. One of these days you will smell that same smell, hear that same song, or remember that same place, and all of your senses will take you back. Remember being alive. Above all thats the most important part.
I'm going to leave you with one of my favorites.
The year 2000, I had a Datsun 210 station wagon. It had a P.A. speaker in the back and a home stereo I ran off of batteries. I had Blink182 cheshire cat on tape that I bought from cats. My car had that old car mixed with fabreeze smell added to the heat from the engine that came through the vents. I can remember how hot that car was since it didn't have air conditioning and how we used to go to shows in that car 4 deep singing touchdown boy at the top of our lungs. That made me feel alive.
What is the outcome of all of this? We mature at a slower rate. We live with our parents way up into our 20's, we smoke and drink ourselves retarded, we go out on our own before we are ready, we blast through school with big heads and talk about how much money we are going to be making in a few years, or we live so recklessly that we crash and burn. Regardless at some point we hit a wall. Some go around it, some go over it, some go through it, then some of us sit down and put our backs to the wall. We watch our friends go by and wonder, how do I want to do this?
Our parents wanted to make our quality of life better than thiers were at our age. In doing this we were never taught that when we fall, sometimes we don't get back up right away. Suddenly we have to learn how to do things on our own. No one can really prepare you for the things that come at you in life, especially when everything has been as easy as most of us have had it. Its no great depression. For most of us its an experience that we cherish. Its something that we can use to reference from then on out.
When we realize that the values that we were raised on conflict with the person that we become we tend to go on our great journey to find ourselves in life. Many times these are become multiple pilgrimages. All of these bring us to where we either want to be, or end up being. With everything that I am blessed with, about twice a year I have the urge to sell everything, and move to some remote, out of the way place and live life at a different pace. Some of us go hitchhiking across the country, some of us party our lives away, some of us revert back to a minimalist attempt at survival and we hike, cycle, start bands and tour, join the armed forces, or cover our bodies with artwork, all for the thrill.
How many times have you heard a close friend who can't seem to get their shit together, inspite of a college degree, total capability, and a decent work ethic, tell you that they have to move away for a while to get some things worked out? My theory is that as human beings we require a certain level of stress and depression to motivate us to not be complacent. I whole heartedly support anybody who goes on thier own little pilgrimage to find themselves.
Above all, as I have said before, life itself is the most important part. Spring is here. Go to the river, or in the mountains, or your favorite place to be. If you want, play your favorite song. Close your eyes and relax yourself. Draw a mental image of what is around you. Breathe in deep through your nose, and when your lungs are bursting with air, record with all of your senses the place that makes you happy. Remember the smell, the song, the view, the air, remember everything. Dedicate that to memory. Remember what it was like to be alive. One of these days you will smell that same smell, hear that same song, or remember that same place, and all of your senses will take you back. Remember being alive. Above all thats the most important part.
I'm going to leave you with one of my favorites.
The year 2000, I had a Datsun 210 station wagon. It had a P.A. speaker in the back and a home stereo I ran off of batteries. I had Blink182 cheshire cat on tape that I bought from cats. My car had that old car mixed with fabreeze smell added to the heat from the engine that came through the vents. I can remember how hot that car was since it didn't have air conditioning and how we used to go to shows in that car 4 deep singing touchdown boy at the top of our lungs. That made me feel alive.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Dirty finger nails, muddy shoes
/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [ruht] Show IPA ,noun, verb, rut-ted, rut-ting.
–noun
1.
a furrow or track in the ground, esp. one made by the passage of a vehicle or vehicles.
2.
any furrow, groove, etc.
3.
a fixed or established mode of procedure or course of life, usually dull or unpromising: to fall into a rut.
–verb (used with object)
4.
to make a rut or ruts in; furrow.
How often do we find ourselves in one of these definitions of this same word. In one way or another? I let myself slide into definiton 3 too often. It seems to me that the catalyst is always clutter. A couple of years ago my job cut my hours to about 15 a week. So, I worked 2 jobs to make ends meet. One minimum wage (5.15/hr) and one off of tips. My water pump and timing belt went out in my car while taking a delivery for said job. This, along with a couple of bad descisions helped me max out a credit card or two. In order to make ends meet, and keep up with hanging out with my friends who, at the time, had little or no bills, I let my own finances pile up. Instead of getting my ass in gear and taking initiative, I played music and traveled. Most of my money went to that.
Suddenly my 1200 in credit card bills was closing in on 4000. Paying the minimum payment would only, really cover the over the limit charges that would occour every month that I didn't send them the $600 to catch up my cards. Even tho it took almost a year to dig into this storm of bad descisions, it seemd like this just happened overnight. I felt like a total piece of crap, and to boot, my credit score reflected the same. I was in a rut. The funny thing was, being in this rut, should have been my motivation to get out of it, and fast. The reality was, the more it piled up, the more I wanted to just act like it wasnt there. Finally, I took care of it and consolidated them, and within a year or so completely paid them off. Now I have to get a cosigner for a Gap card if I want one.
One of the worst things about being in a rut isn't the rut itself; it's the fact that once you are there you start clinging to the things that do make you happy, and that do make you feel like everything is buisiness as usual. For me it has been everything from Jesus, to Wild Turkey. Don't get me wrong, These are things I still enjoy to this day, for the most part. Finding what makes you happy when you are in a rut is important. When it becomes your escape, it becomes a problem. I have had about 3 different times in my life where I felt the need to stop drinking. I can call it whatever I want, but it just became something that was too important to me for as miniscule of a part of me that it really was. It always happens about mid-autumn, when the days get shorter. When I get out of work at 6:30 and its already dark. Night time makes me want to either sleep, or go out. Many times I choose the later. So I wake up in time to go to work. I see about 15 minutes of daylight each day like that. Before I know it, I am in a rut.
Here is my point. Every day I read someone's twitter post, or myspace bulletin, or facebook update, Someone, will have something utterly depressing to say. I'm not talking about someone saying "I just got done scraping dog shit off of my nikes, and then stepped in the same pile of crap on the way to my car.. FML", I'm talking about this all around emptiness and hopelessness that we are carrying from our youth all the way through our adulthood. Does social networking perpetuate this? Is it the 24 hour news? Is it the constant barrage of information that we process through the day?
It seems to me that today, for alot of people, life in America is like a red hot pepper covered in chocolate that nobody told you about. Its sweet at first taste, but once you bite in, you are committed, and it burns the entire way as it goes down. Are we truly this disenfranchised? If so, is it worth the effort it would take for us to do anything more than to constantly destroy our brains and our bodies? If it is truly this bad, how is it going to effect the next generation behind us? Has this party till you puke/girls gone wild new millenium lifestyle been forcefed to us by a new world order so that we will all die young and we won't freak out when we turn 72 and have no social security check coming in? Could it be?
I was led to believe in school that working in a resturant was not a respectable career. So I decided that I wasn't going to learn to work a "trade job" like my dad worked. No, i was going to college, and I was going to be a teacher. My test I took in high school said that I would be best fitted to be a welder or do some sort of maintenence. I kind of put myself above having a job like that. Now, I think of how awesome it would be to know how to do anything without having to pay someone to put a new roof on my house, fix my own car, etc.
Some of us went to college and found that it wasn't for us just yet. This didn't fit the time frame that we had set for ourselves since we were 12 or 13 years old. We took the jobs that we said we never would take. Instead of being happy about being able to pay our bills and have a few bucks to go get a beer when we were done, we decided that the world had shit on us. I'll be the first to say that I did too. It wasn't our parents fault, our teachers faults, George W Bush's fault, or any of the above. It's simply the hand that we played with the cards we were dealt. Most of us are where we are because of the descisions we have made.
Some of us stay in relationships out of habit. This can have all three definitions of the word rut. You start going down a beaten path. You can't get out. You have a love/hate relationship with your significant other, you just don't want to be the bad guy. You know the one, closed mouthed kisses, holding hands but not making eye contact, a fuck without a kiss. Where are we going with relationships like this? Do we really see ourselves happier in 5 years? If the answer is yes. Fight for it. Make small changes every day in what you do. Take small steps every day to let the person you are in love with know that you care. If the answer is no, get out of it. Get rid of the clutter in your life.
My point in all of this is. Its hard to get out of a rut. It is hard to find a good start in clearing the clutter out of your life, and making small changes to the descisions you have made. I have tried to meditate, I always fell asleep and woke up stressed that I forgot to do something. Today you should try something new. When you take that first smoke break, instead of hitting that camel, stand on your porch, steps, stoop, or break area, close your eyes and take 10 deep breaths. I mean fill your lungs untill you have no room, and then breathe out. If you want to, close your eyes and stretch. Get your blood pumping, make yourself remember what it feels like to be alive. This above all is the most important part.
Life.
–noun
1.
a furrow or track in the ground, esp. one made by the passage of a vehicle or vehicles.
2.
any furrow, groove, etc.
3.
a fixed or established mode of procedure or course of life, usually dull or unpromising: to fall into a rut.
–verb (used with object)
4.
to make a rut or ruts in; furrow.
How often do we find ourselves in one of these definitions of this same word. In one way or another? I let myself slide into definiton 3 too often. It seems to me that the catalyst is always clutter. A couple of years ago my job cut my hours to about 15 a week. So, I worked 2 jobs to make ends meet. One minimum wage (5.15/hr) and one off of tips. My water pump and timing belt went out in my car while taking a delivery for said job. This, along with a couple of bad descisions helped me max out a credit card or two. In order to make ends meet, and keep up with hanging out with my friends who, at the time, had little or no bills, I let my own finances pile up. Instead of getting my ass in gear and taking initiative, I played music and traveled. Most of my money went to that.
Suddenly my 1200 in credit card bills was closing in on 4000. Paying the minimum payment would only, really cover the over the limit charges that would occour every month that I didn't send them the $600 to catch up my cards. Even tho it took almost a year to dig into this storm of bad descisions, it seemd like this just happened overnight. I felt like a total piece of crap, and to boot, my credit score reflected the same. I was in a rut. The funny thing was, being in this rut, should have been my motivation to get out of it, and fast. The reality was, the more it piled up, the more I wanted to just act like it wasnt there. Finally, I took care of it and consolidated them, and within a year or so completely paid them off. Now I have to get a cosigner for a Gap card if I want one.
One of the worst things about being in a rut isn't the rut itself; it's the fact that once you are there you start clinging to the things that do make you happy, and that do make you feel like everything is buisiness as usual. For me it has been everything from Jesus, to Wild Turkey. Don't get me wrong, These are things I still enjoy to this day, for the most part. Finding what makes you happy when you are in a rut is important. When it becomes your escape, it becomes a problem. I have had about 3 different times in my life where I felt the need to stop drinking. I can call it whatever I want, but it just became something that was too important to me for as miniscule of a part of me that it really was. It always happens about mid-autumn, when the days get shorter. When I get out of work at 6:30 and its already dark. Night time makes me want to either sleep, or go out. Many times I choose the later. So I wake up in time to go to work. I see about 15 minutes of daylight each day like that. Before I know it, I am in a rut.
Here is my point. Every day I read someone's twitter post, or myspace bulletin, or facebook update, Someone, will have something utterly depressing to say. I'm not talking about someone saying "I just got done scraping dog shit off of my nikes, and then stepped in the same pile of crap on the way to my car.. FML", I'm talking about this all around emptiness and hopelessness that we are carrying from our youth all the way through our adulthood. Does social networking perpetuate this? Is it the 24 hour news? Is it the constant barrage of information that we process through the day?
It seems to me that today, for alot of people, life in America is like a red hot pepper covered in chocolate that nobody told you about. Its sweet at first taste, but once you bite in, you are committed, and it burns the entire way as it goes down. Are we truly this disenfranchised? If so, is it worth the effort it would take for us to do anything more than to constantly destroy our brains and our bodies? If it is truly this bad, how is it going to effect the next generation behind us? Has this party till you puke/girls gone wild new millenium lifestyle been forcefed to us by a new world order so that we will all die young and we won't freak out when we turn 72 and have no social security check coming in? Could it be?
I was led to believe in school that working in a resturant was not a respectable career. So I decided that I wasn't going to learn to work a "trade job" like my dad worked. No, i was going to college, and I was going to be a teacher. My test I took in high school said that I would be best fitted to be a welder or do some sort of maintenence. I kind of put myself above having a job like that. Now, I think of how awesome it would be to know how to do anything without having to pay someone to put a new roof on my house, fix my own car, etc.
Some of us went to college and found that it wasn't for us just yet. This didn't fit the time frame that we had set for ourselves since we were 12 or 13 years old. We took the jobs that we said we never would take. Instead of being happy about being able to pay our bills and have a few bucks to go get a beer when we were done, we decided that the world had shit on us. I'll be the first to say that I did too. It wasn't our parents fault, our teachers faults, George W Bush's fault, or any of the above. It's simply the hand that we played with the cards we were dealt. Most of us are where we are because of the descisions we have made.
Some of us stay in relationships out of habit. This can have all three definitions of the word rut. You start going down a beaten path. You can't get out. You have a love/hate relationship with your significant other, you just don't want to be the bad guy. You know the one, closed mouthed kisses, holding hands but not making eye contact, a fuck without a kiss. Where are we going with relationships like this? Do we really see ourselves happier in 5 years? If the answer is yes. Fight for it. Make small changes every day in what you do. Take small steps every day to let the person you are in love with know that you care. If the answer is no, get out of it. Get rid of the clutter in your life.
My point in all of this is. Its hard to get out of a rut. It is hard to find a good start in clearing the clutter out of your life, and making small changes to the descisions you have made. I have tried to meditate, I always fell asleep and woke up stressed that I forgot to do something. Today you should try something new. When you take that first smoke break, instead of hitting that camel, stand on your porch, steps, stoop, or break area, close your eyes and take 10 deep breaths. I mean fill your lungs untill you have no room, and then breathe out. If you want to, close your eyes and stretch. Get your blood pumping, make yourself remember what it feels like to be alive. This above all is the most important part.
Life.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Rad State of Affairs
When i was 15 years old. I told my father that I wanted no part of this American dream. It wasn't for me. The house, the yard, The job i hate, the inability to do what i want, whenever i want, becuase i have to pay for what I don't need, and sometimes don't even want.
He understood my discust with greed. He was on the fence between offended, and excited for me. If my faith teaches me that it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than it is for a rich man to get to heaven, why is it only proper to work your entire life to become rich? If pride is sinful, why do we dress in our finest clothes, that we pay a little bit extra for, and comb our hairs a certain way, and tuck our shirts in when we go to church on sunday? Why do we pray to God, to allow us to get that raise that will make our lives a little more comfortable? Was it a big deal that I may be "flipping burgers all my life and never making anything out of myself"?
Beyond that, why do our older conservative, chrisitan leaders/elders hound the youth to vote a certain way. If you vote democrat, you allow a door to be opened for abortion to run rampant. Our babies are being slaughtered by the millions. God should have decided when they died. Euthenasia will be come legal, our older most beloved people, will be able to kill themselves unchecked, just because life is pain. Lets strip God of his humanity for a second. As is. God is a creator. Once we proved faulty in the first place, We were to be destroyed. Thats the reason we have Christ, right? In that, maybe those little unborn babies, and Cancer ridden old ladies and men, and Terry Schiavo were pre-destined to die that way. Why do these same Conservative Christian Right heads tell us right from wrong with one hand, and then with the other hand, buy goods from parts of the world where indigenous/tribal/simple lives were either enslaved or slaughtered to take over the goods of the area at a cheaper price. Maybe it was God's will for a logging company to enslave a village in south america, Take their resources, and then kill the people after they were finished, so that we could buy the lumber to build our houses for half the price. Or force kids into a diamond mine for 18 hours a day so that we can pay a full month's salary to put a sparkly ring on our new bride's finger. Or to encrust the platinum that is going to cover up some jackass's top row of teeth.
The whole "American Dream" seemed to me, as far away from both my faith, and from the other end of the spectrum, the punk rock subculture that I wanted to be a part of. To me my faith didn't depend on if i drank, said fuck alot, or listened to fast shitty music. It was and is about how i treat people. How i can make someone's day better, how I can use what abilities i have to make someone's life easier. Be it through music, cooking, talking, driving, playing golf, whatever. I wanted everything i do to somehow lighten up someone's mood,nerves,day,life.
One day I wanted to have a wife and a house and kids and that stuff, but i wanted it simple, no more than i need. Nothing flashy.
Then I fell in love with a girl. She was a little out of my league. To boot, her family was a little better off than mine. They were the kind, tho, that weren't the type that i hated. That helped. After a 6 month engagement, we got married. The wedding was beautiful, but immediately, my simple bones threw in a stumbling block. I had about $400 saved up to take with us onour honeymoon. That was a substancial amount of money for me then, and even now. A few weeks prior, i thought to myself. The day after our wedding, we are driving to virginia for our honeymoon, why do we need to spend $100 on a hotel the night after our wedding.
So, i cancelled the room. When we got to my apartment, I realized that I hadn't cleaned or made the bed or anything. It was a let down for her. It was a big one. In my mind, it wasn't a huge deal, outside of my mother, who is as much like another guy, I hadn't really gained the understanding of how certain things were super special to women. My mom had alot of let downs in her life, and laughed about them, and didn't seem bothered. I figured everything was as little of a deal to every woman as it was to her. This was something that i didn't know was going to be something had a lasting impact on not only my marriage, but also, the way that my wife viewed me as a husband. I had always had to struggle to get by, so it was nothing new to me. I think for the first time, she realized that it wasn't going to be easy, and that the fact that i was that used to not having or doing, wasn't going to make it any easier on her. I didn't realize any of this at the time tho, She told me some years later. It made me want to die.
She was always super supportive of irom. I wanted to quit a few times. She refused to let me. She told me that since at the time she had no ambition in life, she would share mine and do what it took here at home to make things work for me to tour or whatever. She's a good woman.
We made ends meet, and it was easier than i had expected.
As life goes on, we recieved an offer on a house. It would make our house payment $75 more. Suddenly I had a mortgage. That following year, Crystals car started messing up, So we Bought her a new car. Nothing had really changed that much, we were making a little bit more money, so it was helping out a little bit, but then, after irom/takenaway weren't doing anything anymore, and everyone was kind of in a standstill in life, My wife got pregnant and we had a baby. With that, i decided that my pickup truck wasn't the right car for a family, so i bought a mini van.
So today, I'm here, dead center in the middle of my 20's. I have a house, a fenced in yard, Dogs, a minivan, a receiding hair line, a wife and a baby. I wake up and drink coffee, and go to my desk job. I talk about how bad i hate it. I have high blood pressure, My wife works, and we make ends meet. The same thing we did form day one, just with more shit.
So i wonder. Have I been living the american dream all this time?
Did i trip over something and fall into it?
Is it something unavoidable?
Or is it a process that can be used to describe each and every one of our walks through life.
Maybe my dad understood becasue that was him 30 years ago.
Maybe
He understood my discust with greed. He was on the fence between offended, and excited for me. If my faith teaches me that it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than it is for a rich man to get to heaven, why is it only proper to work your entire life to become rich? If pride is sinful, why do we dress in our finest clothes, that we pay a little bit extra for, and comb our hairs a certain way, and tuck our shirts in when we go to church on sunday? Why do we pray to God, to allow us to get that raise that will make our lives a little more comfortable? Was it a big deal that I may be "flipping burgers all my life and never making anything out of myself"?
Beyond that, why do our older conservative, chrisitan leaders/elders hound the youth to vote a certain way. If you vote democrat, you allow a door to be opened for abortion to run rampant. Our babies are being slaughtered by the millions. God should have decided when they died. Euthenasia will be come legal, our older most beloved people, will be able to kill themselves unchecked, just because life is pain. Lets strip God of his humanity for a second. As is. God is a creator. Once we proved faulty in the first place, We were to be destroyed. Thats the reason we have Christ, right? In that, maybe those little unborn babies, and Cancer ridden old ladies and men, and Terry Schiavo were pre-destined to die that way. Why do these same Conservative Christian Right heads tell us right from wrong with one hand, and then with the other hand, buy goods from parts of the world where indigenous/tribal/simple lives were either enslaved or slaughtered to take over the goods of the area at a cheaper price. Maybe it was God's will for a logging company to enslave a village in south america, Take their resources, and then kill the people after they were finished, so that we could buy the lumber to build our houses for half the price. Or force kids into a diamond mine for 18 hours a day so that we can pay a full month's salary to put a sparkly ring on our new bride's finger. Or to encrust the platinum that is going to cover up some jackass's top row of teeth.
The whole "American Dream" seemed to me, as far away from both my faith, and from the other end of the spectrum, the punk rock subculture that I wanted to be a part of. To me my faith didn't depend on if i drank, said fuck alot, or listened to fast shitty music. It was and is about how i treat people. How i can make someone's day better, how I can use what abilities i have to make someone's life easier. Be it through music, cooking, talking, driving, playing golf, whatever. I wanted everything i do to somehow lighten up someone's mood,nerves,day,life.
One day I wanted to have a wife and a house and kids and that stuff, but i wanted it simple, no more than i need. Nothing flashy.
Then I fell in love with a girl. She was a little out of my league. To boot, her family was a little better off than mine. They were the kind, tho, that weren't the type that i hated. That helped. After a 6 month engagement, we got married. The wedding was beautiful, but immediately, my simple bones threw in a stumbling block. I had about $400 saved up to take with us onour honeymoon. That was a substancial amount of money for me then, and even now. A few weeks prior, i thought to myself. The day after our wedding, we are driving to virginia for our honeymoon, why do we need to spend $100 on a hotel the night after our wedding.
So, i cancelled the room. When we got to my apartment, I realized that I hadn't cleaned or made the bed or anything. It was a let down for her. It was a big one. In my mind, it wasn't a huge deal, outside of my mother, who is as much like another guy, I hadn't really gained the understanding of how certain things were super special to women. My mom had alot of let downs in her life, and laughed about them, and didn't seem bothered. I figured everything was as little of a deal to every woman as it was to her. This was something that i didn't know was going to be something had a lasting impact on not only my marriage, but also, the way that my wife viewed me as a husband. I had always had to struggle to get by, so it was nothing new to me. I think for the first time, she realized that it wasn't going to be easy, and that the fact that i was that used to not having or doing, wasn't going to make it any easier on her. I didn't realize any of this at the time tho, She told me some years later. It made me want to die.
She was always super supportive of irom. I wanted to quit a few times. She refused to let me. She told me that since at the time she had no ambition in life, she would share mine and do what it took here at home to make things work for me to tour or whatever. She's a good woman.
We made ends meet, and it was easier than i had expected.
As life goes on, we recieved an offer on a house. It would make our house payment $75 more. Suddenly I had a mortgage. That following year, Crystals car started messing up, So we Bought her a new car. Nothing had really changed that much, we were making a little bit more money, so it was helping out a little bit, but then, after irom/takenaway weren't doing anything anymore, and everyone was kind of in a standstill in life, My wife got pregnant and we had a baby. With that, i decided that my pickup truck wasn't the right car for a family, so i bought a mini van.
So today, I'm here, dead center in the middle of my 20's. I have a house, a fenced in yard, Dogs, a minivan, a receiding hair line, a wife and a baby. I wake up and drink coffee, and go to my desk job. I talk about how bad i hate it. I have high blood pressure, My wife works, and we make ends meet. The same thing we did form day one, just with more shit.
So i wonder. Have I been living the american dream all this time?
Did i trip over something and fall into it?
Is it something unavoidable?
Or is it a process that can be used to describe each and every one of our walks through life.
Maybe my dad understood becasue that was him 30 years ago.
Maybe
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Damaged Young Livers
My youth is dwendling like a carrot on a string
and i'm the jackass, who keeps moving on.
Each passing day, I get a little bit older
A little more overwhelmed,
and haven't taken a step forward.
But ever so carefully I force it out
I tread light with dilligence.
I sing songs to bring a smile to your lips
We talk about the good times.
Do you remember the time that our friend
swallowed his sorrow, and said i'll let it go.
But then a week later he saw them out,
and beat that kid untill his movements were ferel
and he lurched about in such a gutteral tone.
Do you remember the time that our friend hit the bottom
we didn't see him for days, But he still forced a smile.
and you could taste the hurt he was feeling as it seeped
through the air and chilled to your bones.
Do you remember the time you came in and we drank ourselves stupid
We reminisced on the times that we spent with no reason
or purpose, our lives weren't driven, we led a worthless existance
and it was priceless to us. And man, The kids are younger
they're going through it, and your little brother is a part of it too.
These are the times, These are the reasons, This is the sand in the hour glass
Trickling down but never wasting, recycling words of the moments passed.
these are the times, these are the reasons, these are the kids that can't grow up, the young livers damaged, time that we wasted, getting wasted, and wasting money. money we didn't have.
and thats something we'll never lose.
and i'm the jackass, who keeps moving on.
Each passing day, I get a little bit older
A little more overwhelmed,
and haven't taken a step forward.
But ever so carefully I force it out
I tread light with dilligence.
I sing songs to bring a smile to your lips
We talk about the good times.
Do you remember the time that our friend
swallowed his sorrow, and said i'll let it go.
But then a week later he saw them out,
and beat that kid untill his movements were ferel
and he lurched about in such a gutteral tone.
Do you remember the time that our friend hit the bottom
we didn't see him for days, But he still forced a smile.
and you could taste the hurt he was feeling as it seeped
through the air and chilled to your bones.
Do you remember the time you came in and we drank ourselves stupid
We reminisced on the times that we spent with no reason
or purpose, our lives weren't driven, we led a worthless existance
and it was priceless to us. And man, The kids are younger
they're going through it, and your little brother is a part of it too.
These are the times, These are the reasons, This is the sand in the hour glass
Trickling down but never wasting, recycling words of the moments passed.
these are the times, these are the reasons, these are the kids that can't grow up, the young livers damaged, time that we wasted, getting wasted, and wasting money. money we didn't have.
and thats something we'll never lose.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
200gr8
2008 brought me a year of optomism. Crystal was pregnant with evamae. My bands weren't as active as they once had been. THe hideaway was getting killer shows, and more kids were coming out to said shows. Early in the year I had the day off of work. Crystal was at work, and i decided i wanted to go to a show in charlotte with the rest of the crew. I crashed ben and justin's apartment around 11 a.m. with a whole gang of 40's. This prompted Justing to skip class and follow suit. so at 1.pm when we were leaving for charlotte, I was already blackout drunk. We arrived in charlotte for the show, adn whilst standing in line i realized i had a knife on my person. I had to take it back to the car. The show was amazing. I was getting hungover. Afterwards we ate at dennys. If i remember right, will and I had the boneless wings. I puked my ass off screamin at mel mel. Soon after my great pal, close buddy, and tight bro, Derek Smith moved back to the tri citites from NC. They all moved into this sweet house. I had nothing to do most of the time. SO i hung out there alot. I joined a band with chris and will and jason, called sundale. It was alot of fun. To this date it is one of my favorite bands. We played pretty regularly, but when crystal got closer to the big day, I kind of quit booking shows. As you would expect. Will aslo joined stand your ground, so that took most of his time. In july Crystal finally popped evamae out. I suddenly had this tiny 6 pound piece of perfection. That was cool.
Life since then has been really a blur of shows, and work.
I can't discern.
I must digress.
this is the end of my story.
All of our lives are stories worth telling. I encourage you to do so. Write a song about the good time, write a song about the bad times, Sing a song during the boring times. But, always be making noise.
Life since then has been really a blur of shows, and work.
I can't discern.
I must digress.
this is the end of my story.
All of our lives are stories worth telling. I encourage you to do so. Write a song about the good time, write a song about the bad times, Sing a song during the boring times. But, always be making noise.
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