Is Growing up Giving in?

So,

Outside of getting married, and the usual. I have been activly trying not to grow up for the past 25 years. Thats not to say I don't take my responsibilities seriously, because I do, but I still feel I am at a good point between maturity, and immaturity. I guess part of me fears that if I grow up, I will lose interest in the handfull of things that bring me so much joy.



There is another part of me, deep inside my brain, that feels that maybe, if I lose my youth, I will lose touch with my sense of humor and compassion. I am a huge ballbreaker, and I pick on my friends fairly often, but in the same sense any time they hurt for any reason, a part of me hurts with them. I recently found out that someone that I went to school with when I was young had passed away. When I found out how, I had this lump in my throat, and knot in my stomach for 2 days. It felt as if, just by hearing about it, I was given just a taste of the darkness this person felt in thier life. I wouldn't consider myself a friend of this person, we haven't spoke in probably over 8 years. We used to go to the YMCA day camp in Erwin together. No matter how small of a role, or how large, people who were a part of a memory, even if they only had a walk on part, still complete it. Deep down I have this fear that as the people in my life fade away, they will take parts of that memory with them, like the foundation of a house crumbling.



All of this aside, natural progression of young adulthood in our society molds you into a certain category like it or not. That doesn't really bother me that much. I don't really try to change the things I do, unless I know that it has a deffinate negative effect on me. I try to focus on how my daughter is going to see me when she's old enough to start building her own personality. There is a good medium, I believe. I don't want to be the father that is trying to impress all of his kids 16 year old friends by smoking pot with them and accidentally leaving a 6 pack in the garage. Its funny, all of the dads/older guys I thought kicked so much ass when I was younger, are the same guys that I see now and wonder how they have survived this long.



All in all, I guess growing up isn't such a bad thing. We had a cookout at my house on friday and it was mostly couples that we have been friends with before they were couples. They either had kids, had kids on the way, or were on thier way to being on thier way in a few years. You know the one. It was different, it wasn't like it used to be when we would all bring a pack of hotdogs and an old english 40 and trash, and act like kids. For some reason, I had this sense of pride about how clean the house needed to be, How well the food was presented, and if there would be enough. It wasn't just that I was hosting the cookout, but I actually gave a crap about planning it. At one point when I had put my daughter down to sleep for the night, and returned to the porch to hang out with everyone, it hit me. I'm not a kid anymore, in fact, I feel like a grown up quite a bit. Most of all, I was happy. I realized that there is no place I would rather be.

Days are getting shorter

I think we may offically be in the "dog days" of summer. I can never really remember when that is. I just know that its getting dark earlier. Soon it will be dark when I leave work, and I will wake up only 2 hours before work. This puts me at seeing daylight in the order of 9:40-9:52(drive to work), 11:30-11:45, 2:15- 2:45, and 4:30-4:45, A grand total of 1 hour and 12 minutes to feel the sun warm my bones and bring color to my face. Somehow the though of this lets my own demons creep on in. Suddenly there is a weight back on my shoulders that makes it harder to breathe. My motivation to enjoy what I have left of summer is killed by the thought that in a few weeks it will be over, and my weekly fishing trip will ultimatly turn into my weekly trip to the bar to drink, and bitch about my job and family to my friends, even though I love both.

I don't know why, in spite of my own effords to not fall into it, a certain darkness has consumed much of my thought process and at times my attitude and overall existance. Its a wierd mix of melancholy, hatred, and worry. I see it all around me in the faces of my friends, strangers, and pseudo enemies. Two and three years ago we were all happy go lucky. We weren't super posi, but nobody had this flavor of darkness to them.

I saw Pillarist for the first time on wed. Killer band, they were awesome for thier first show. Luke has great stage presence, and a great voice. The bands music has a shai hulud-esque intensity which I love in a band. Luke's last words of the set were "God Damn Me" Luke and I aren't best buds, but I know how much he pours into what he writes. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and made me hurt for him. Art in any form is meant to envoke emotion. If it does evoke emotion then it has fufilled its porpose. It kills me though. Is my generation going to swim in this cesspool of self loathing and depression untill we self Destruct?

I have no light at the end of the tunnel. I cannot say that I do not have have unwarranted hatred for everyone that keeps an unprovoked smile on thier faces from time to time. I have such a strong love for all of my friends and my family and humanity in general, but with that, I have my own demons that I fight. I will do what I to keep them at bay, so I can be there for anyone who needs me at any time. To truly be a drink of water to a world of bitter tongues. In the mean time I will struggle with my own faith, the one thing that I doubt on a daily basis, that I say i believe in, and that i say i do not believe in, sometimes is the only thing that is real to me.

Man made Religion, and by God, Religion has failed. God Created faith, Faith will prevail.