/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [ruht] Show IPA ,noun, verb, rut-ted, rut-ting.
–noun
1.
a furrow or track in the ground, esp. one made by the passage of a vehicle or vehicles.
2.
any furrow, groove, etc.
3.
a fixed or established mode of procedure or course of life, usually dull or unpromising: to fall into a rut.
–verb (used with object)
4.
to make a rut or ruts in; furrow.
How often do we find ourselves in one of these definitions of this same word. In one way or another? I let myself slide into definiton 3 too often. It seems to me that the catalyst is always clutter. A couple of years ago my job cut my hours to about 15 a week. So, I worked 2 jobs to make ends meet. One minimum wage (5.15/hr) and one off of tips. My water pump and timing belt went out in my car while taking a delivery for said job. This, along with a couple of bad descisions helped me max out a credit card or two. In order to make ends meet, and keep up with hanging out with my friends who, at the time, had little or no bills, I let my own finances pile up. Instead of getting my ass in gear and taking initiative, I played music and traveled. Most of my money went to that.
Suddenly my 1200 in credit card bills was closing in on 4000. Paying the minimum payment would only, really cover the over the limit charges that would occour every month that I didn't send them the $600 to catch up my cards. Even tho it took almost a year to dig into this storm of bad descisions, it seemd like this just happened overnight. I felt like a total piece of crap, and to boot, my credit score reflected the same. I was in a rut. The funny thing was, being in this rut, should have been my motivation to get out of it, and fast. The reality was, the more it piled up, the more I wanted to just act like it wasnt there. Finally, I took care of it and consolidated them, and within a year or so completely paid them off. Now I have to get a cosigner for a Gap card if I want one.
One of the worst things about being in a rut isn't the rut itself; it's the fact that once you are there you start clinging to the things that do make you happy, and that do make you feel like everything is buisiness as usual. For me it has been everything from Jesus, to Wild Turkey. Don't get me wrong, These are things I still enjoy to this day, for the most part. Finding what makes you happy when you are in a rut is important. When it becomes your escape, it becomes a problem. I have had about 3 different times in my life where I felt the need to stop drinking. I can call it whatever I want, but it just became something that was too important to me for as miniscule of a part of me that it really was. It always happens about mid-autumn, when the days get shorter. When I get out of work at 6:30 and its already dark. Night time makes me want to either sleep, or go out. Many times I choose the later. So I wake up in time to go to work. I see about 15 minutes of daylight each day like that. Before I know it, I am in a rut.
Here is my point. Every day I read someone's twitter post, or myspace bulletin, or facebook update, Someone, will have something utterly depressing to say. I'm not talking about someone saying "I just got done scraping dog shit off of my nikes, and then stepped in the same pile of crap on the way to my car.. FML", I'm talking about this all around emptiness and hopelessness that we are carrying from our youth all the way through our adulthood. Does social networking perpetuate this? Is it the 24 hour news? Is it the constant barrage of information that we process through the day?
It seems to me that today, for alot of people, life in America is like a red hot pepper covered in chocolate that nobody told you about. Its sweet at first taste, but once you bite in, you are committed, and it burns the entire way as it goes down. Are we truly this disenfranchised? If so, is it worth the effort it would take for us to do anything more than to constantly destroy our brains and our bodies? If it is truly this bad, how is it going to effect the next generation behind us? Has this party till you puke/girls gone wild new millenium lifestyle been forcefed to us by a new world order so that we will all die young and we won't freak out when we turn 72 and have no social security check coming in? Could it be?
I was led to believe in school that working in a resturant was not a respectable career. So I decided that I wasn't going to learn to work a "trade job" like my dad worked. No, i was going to college, and I was going to be a teacher. My test I took in high school said that I would be best fitted to be a welder or do some sort of maintenence. I kind of put myself above having a job like that. Now, I think of how awesome it would be to know how to do anything without having to pay someone to put a new roof on my house, fix my own car, etc.
Some of us went to college and found that it wasn't for us just yet. This didn't fit the time frame that we had set for ourselves since we were 12 or 13 years old. We took the jobs that we said we never would take. Instead of being happy about being able to pay our bills and have a few bucks to go get a beer when we were done, we decided that the world had shit on us. I'll be the first to say that I did too. It wasn't our parents fault, our teachers faults, George W Bush's fault, or any of the above. It's simply the hand that we played with the cards we were dealt. Most of us are where we are because of the descisions we have made.
Some of us stay in relationships out of habit. This can have all three definitions of the word rut. You start going down a beaten path. You can't get out. You have a love/hate relationship with your significant other, you just don't want to be the bad guy. You know the one, closed mouthed kisses, holding hands but not making eye contact, a fuck without a kiss. Where are we going with relationships like this? Do we really see ourselves happier in 5 years? If the answer is yes. Fight for it. Make small changes every day in what you do. Take small steps every day to let the person you are in love with know that you care. If the answer is no, get out of it. Get rid of the clutter in your life.
My point in all of this is. Its hard to get out of a rut. It is hard to find a good start in clearing the clutter out of your life, and making small changes to the descisions you have made. I have tried to meditate, I always fell asleep and woke up stressed that I forgot to do something. Today you should try something new. When you take that first smoke break, instead of hitting that camel, stand on your porch, steps, stoop, or break area, close your eyes and take 10 deep breaths. I mean fill your lungs untill you have no room, and then breathe out. If you want to, close your eyes and stretch. Get your blood pumping, make yourself remember what it feels like to be alive. This above all is the most important part.
Life.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Rad State of Affairs
When i was 15 years old. I told my father that I wanted no part of this American dream. It wasn't for me. The house, the yard, The job i hate, the inability to do what i want, whenever i want, becuase i have to pay for what I don't need, and sometimes don't even want.
He understood my discust with greed. He was on the fence between offended, and excited for me. If my faith teaches me that it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than it is for a rich man to get to heaven, why is it only proper to work your entire life to become rich? If pride is sinful, why do we dress in our finest clothes, that we pay a little bit extra for, and comb our hairs a certain way, and tuck our shirts in when we go to church on sunday? Why do we pray to God, to allow us to get that raise that will make our lives a little more comfortable? Was it a big deal that I may be "flipping burgers all my life and never making anything out of myself"?
Beyond that, why do our older conservative, chrisitan leaders/elders hound the youth to vote a certain way. If you vote democrat, you allow a door to be opened for abortion to run rampant. Our babies are being slaughtered by the millions. God should have decided when they died. Euthenasia will be come legal, our older most beloved people, will be able to kill themselves unchecked, just because life is pain. Lets strip God of his humanity for a second. As is. God is a creator. Once we proved faulty in the first place, We were to be destroyed. Thats the reason we have Christ, right? In that, maybe those little unborn babies, and Cancer ridden old ladies and men, and Terry Schiavo were pre-destined to die that way. Why do these same Conservative Christian Right heads tell us right from wrong with one hand, and then with the other hand, buy goods from parts of the world where indigenous/tribal/simple lives were either enslaved or slaughtered to take over the goods of the area at a cheaper price. Maybe it was God's will for a logging company to enslave a village in south america, Take their resources, and then kill the people after they were finished, so that we could buy the lumber to build our houses for half the price. Or force kids into a diamond mine for 18 hours a day so that we can pay a full month's salary to put a sparkly ring on our new bride's finger. Or to encrust the platinum that is going to cover up some jackass's top row of teeth.
The whole "American Dream" seemed to me, as far away from both my faith, and from the other end of the spectrum, the punk rock subculture that I wanted to be a part of. To me my faith didn't depend on if i drank, said fuck alot, or listened to fast shitty music. It was and is about how i treat people. How i can make someone's day better, how I can use what abilities i have to make someone's life easier. Be it through music, cooking, talking, driving, playing golf, whatever. I wanted everything i do to somehow lighten up someone's mood,nerves,day,life.
One day I wanted to have a wife and a house and kids and that stuff, but i wanted it simple, no more than i need. Nothing flashy.
Then I fell in love with a girl. She was a little out of my league. To boot, her family was a little better off than mine. They were the kind, tho, that weren't the type that i hated. That helped. After a 6 month engagement, we got married. The wedding was beautiful, but immediately, my simple bones threw in a stumbling block. I had about $400 saved up to take with us onour honeymoon. That was a substancial amount of money for me then, and even now. A few weeks prior, i thought to myself. The day after our wedding, we are driving to virginia for our honeymoon, why do we need to spend $100 on a hotel the night after our wedding.
So, i cancelled the room. When we got to my apartment, I realized that I hadn't cleaned or made the bed or anything. It was a let down for her. It was a big one. In my mind, it wasn't a huge deal, outside of my mother, who is as much like another guy, I hadn't really gained the understanding of how certain things were super special to women. My mom had alot of let downs in her life, and laughed about them, and didn't seem bothered. I figured everything was as little of a deal to every woman as it was to her. This was something that i didn't know was going to be something had a lasting impact on not only my marriage, but also, the way that my wife viewed me as a husband. I had always had to struggle to get by, so it was nothing new to me. I think for the first time, she realized that it wasn't going to be easy, and that the fact that i was that used to not having or doing, wasn't going to make it any easier on her. I didn't realize any of this at the time tho, She told me some years later. It made me want to die.
She was always super supportive of irom. I wanted to quit a few times. She refused to let me. She told me that since at the time she had no ambition in life, she would share mine and do what it took here at home to make things work for me to tour or whatever. She's a good woman.
We made ends meet, and it was easier than i had expected.
As life goes on, we recieved an offer on a house. It would make our house payment $75 more. Suddenly I had a mortgage. That following year, Crystals car started messing up, So we Bought her a new car. Nothing had really changed that much, we were making a little bit more money, so it was helping out a little bit, but then, after irom/takenaway weren't doing anything anymore, and everyone was kind of in a standstill in life, My wife got pregnant and we had a baby. With that, i decided that my pickup truck wasn't the right car for a family, so i bought a mini van.
So today, I'm here, dead center in the middle of my 20's. I have a house, a fenced in yard, Dogs, a minivan, a receiding hair line, a wife and a baby. I wake up and drink coffee, and go to my desk job. I talk about how bad i hate it. I have high blood pressure, My wife works, and we make ends meet. The same thing we did form day one, just with more shit.
So i wonder. Have I been living the american dream all this time?
Did i trip over something and fall into it?
Is it something unavoidable?
Or is it a process that can be used to describe each and every one of our walks through life.
Maybe my dad understood becasue that was him 30 years ago.
Maybe
He understood my discust with greed. He was on the fence between offended, and excited for me. If my faith teaches me that it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than it is for a rich man to get to heaven, why is it only proper to work your entire life to become rich? If pride is sinful, why do we dress in our finest clothes, that we pay a little bit extra for, and comb our hairs a certain way, and tuck our shirts in when we go to church on sunday? Why do we pray to God, to allow us to get that raise that will make our lives a little more comfortable? Was it a big deal that I may be "flipping burgers all my life and never making anything out of myself"?
Beyond that, why do our older conservative, chrisitan leaders/elders hound the youth to vote a certain way. If you vote democrat, you allow a door to be opened for abortion to run rampant. Our babies are being slaughtered by the millions. God should have decided when they died. Euthenasia will be come legal, our older most beloved people, will be able to kill themselves unchecked, just because life is pain. Lets strip God of his humanity for a second. As is. God is a creator. Once we proved faulty in the first place, We were to be destroyed. Thats the reason we have Christ, right? In that, maybe those little unborn babies, and Cancer ridden old ladies and men, and Terry Schiavo were pre-destined to die that way. Why do these same Conservative Christian Right heads tell us right from wrong with one hand, and then with the other hand, buy goods from parts of the world where indigenous/tribal/simple lives were either enslaved or slaughtered to take over the goods of the area at a cheaper price. Maybe it was God's will for a logging company to enslave a village in south america, Take their resources, and then kill the people after they were finished, so that we could buy the lumber to build our houses for half the price. Or force kids into a diamond mine for 18 hours a day so that we can pay a full month's salary to put a sparkly ring on our new bride's finger. Or to encrust the platinum that is going to cover up some jackass's top row of teeth.
The whole "American Dream" seemed to me, as far away from both my faith, and from the other end of the spectrum, the punk rock subculture that I wanted to be a part of. To me my faith didn't depend on if i drank, said fuck alot, or listened to fast shitty music. It was and is about how i treat people. How i can make someone's day better, how I can use what abilities i have to make someone's life easier. Be it through music, cooking, talking, driving, playing golf, whatever. I wanted everything i do to somehow lighten up someone's mood,nerves,day,life.
One day I wanted to have a wife and a house and kids and that stuff, but i wanted it simple, no more than i need. Nothing flashy.
Then I fell in love with a girl. She was a little out of my league. To boot, her family was a little better off than mine. They were the kind, tho, that weren't the type that i hated. That helped. After a 6 month engagement, we got married. The wedding was beautiful, but immediately, my simple bones threw in a stumbling block. I had about $400 saved up to take with us onour honeymoon. That was a substancial amount of money for me then, and even now. A few weeks prior, i thought to myself. The day after our wedding, we are driving to virginia for our honeymoon, why do we need to spend $100 on a hotel the night after our wedding.
So, i cancelled the room. When we got to my apartment, I realized that I hadn't cleaned or made the bed or anything. It was a let down for her. It was a big one. In my mind, it wasn't a huge deal, outside of my mother, who is as much like another guy, I hadn't really gained the understanding of how certain things were super special to women. My mom had alot of let downs in her life, and laughed about them, and didn't seem bothered. I figured everything was as little of a deal to every woman as it was to her. This was something that i didn't know was going to be something had a lasting impact on not only my marriage, but also, the way that my wife viewed me as a husband. I had always had to struggle to get by, so it was nothing new to me. I think for the first time, she realized that it wasn't going to be easy, and that the fact that i was that used to not having or doing, wasn't going to make it any easier on her. I didn't realize any of this at the time tho, She told me some years later. It made me want to die.
She was always super supportive of irom. I wanted to quit a few times. She refused to let me. She told me that since at the time she had no ambition in life, she would share mine and do what it took here at home to make things work for me to tour or whatever. She's a good woman.
We made ends meet, and it was easier than i had expected.
As life goes on, we recieved an offer on a house. It would make our house payment $75 more. Suddenly I had a mortgage. That following year, Crystals car started messing up, So we Bought her a new car. Nothing had really changed that much, we were making a little bit more money, so it was helping out a little bit, but then, after irom/takenaway weren't doing anything anymore, and everyone was kind of in a standstill in life, My wife got pregnant and we had a baby. With that, i decided that my pickup truck wasn't the right car for a family, so i bought a mini van.
So today, I'm here, dead center in the middle of my 20's. I have a house, a fenced in yard, Dogs, a minivan, a receiding hair line, a wife and a baby. I wake up and drink coffee, and go to my desk job. I talk about how bad i hate it. I have high blood pressure, My wife works, and we make ends meet. The same thing we did form day one, just with more shit.
So i wonder. Have I been living the american dream all this time?
Did i trip over something and fall into it?
Is it something unavoidable?
Or is it a process that can be used to describe each and every one of our walks through life.
Maybe my dad understood becasue that was him 30 years ago.
Maybe
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Damaged Young Livers
My youth is dwendling like a carrot on a string
and i'm the jackass, who keeps moving on.
Each passing day, I get a little bit older
A little more overwhelmed,
and haven't taken a step forward.
But ever so carefully I force it out
I tread light with dilligence.
I sing songs to bring a smile to your lips
We talk about the good times.
Do you remember the time that our friend
swallowed his sorrow, and said i'll let it go.
But then a week later he saw them out,
and beat that kid untill his movements were ferel
and he lurched about in such a gutteral tone.
Do you remember the time that our friend hit the bottom
we didn't see him for days, But he still forced a smile.
and you could taste the hurt he was feeling as it seeped
through the air and chilled to your bones.
Do you remember the time you came in and we drank ourselves stupid
We reminisced on the times that we spent with no reason
or purpose, our lives weren't driven, we led a worthless existance
and it was priceless to us. And man, The kids are younger
they're going through it, and your little brother is a part of it too.
These are the times, These are the reasons, This is the sand in the hour glass
Trickling down but never wasting, recycling words of the moments passed.
these are the times, these are the reasons, these are the kids that can't grow up, the young livers damaged, time that we wasted, getting wasted, and wasting money. money we didn't have.
and thats something we'll never lose.
and i'm the jackass, who keeps moving on.
Each passing day, I get a little bit older
A little more overwhelmed,
and haven't taken a step forward.
But ever so carefully I force it out
I tread light with dilligence.
I sing songs to bring a smile to your lips
We talk about the good times.
Do you remember the time that our friend
swallowed his sorrow, and said i'll let it go.
But then a week later he saw them out,
and beat that kid untill his movements were ferel
and he lurched about in such a gutteral tone.
Do you remember the time that our friend hit the bottom
we didn't see him for days, But he still forced a smile.
and you could taste the hurt he was feeling as it seeped
through the air and chilled to your bones.
Do you remember the time you came in and we drank ourselves stupid
We reminisced on the times that we spent with no reason
or purpose, our lives weren't driven, we led a worthless existance
and it was priceless to us. And man, The kids are younger
they're going through it, and your little brother is a part of it too.
These are the times, These are the reasons, This is the sand in the hour glass
Trickling down but never wasting, recycling words of the moments passed.
these are the times, these are the reasons, these are the kids that can't grow up, the young livers damaged, time that we wasted, getting wasted, and wasting money. money we didn't have.
and thats something we'll never lose.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
200gr8
2008 brought me a year of optomism. Crystal was pregnant with evamae. My bands weren't as active as they once had been. THe hideaway was getting killer shows, and more kids were coming out to said shows. Early in the year I had the day off of work. Crystal was at work, and i decided i wanted to go to a show in charlotte with the rest of the crew. I crashed ben and justin's apartment around 11 a.m. with a whole gang of 40's. This prompted Justing to skip class and follow suit. so at 1.pm when we were leaving for charlotte, I was already blackout drunk. We arrived in charlotte for the show, adn whilst standing in line i realized i had a knife on my person. I had to take it back to the car. The show was amazing. I was getting hungover. Afterwards we ate at dennys. If i remember right, will and I had the boneless wings. I puked my ass off screamin at mel mel. Soon after my great pal, close buddy, and tight bro, Derek Smith moved back to the tri citites from NC. They all moved into this sweet house. I had nothing to do most of the time. SO i hung out there alot. I joined a band with chris and will and jason, called sundale. It was alot of fun. To this date it is one of my favorite bands. We played pretty regularly, but when crystal got closer to the big day, I kind of quit booking shows. As you would expect. Will aslo joined stand your ground, so that took most of his time. In july Crystal finally popped evamae out. I suddenly had this tiny 6 pound piece of perfection. That was cool.
Life since then has been really a blur of shows, and work.
I can't discern.
I must digress.
this is the end of my story.
All of our lives are stories worth telling. I encourage you to do so. Write a song about the good time, write a song about the bad times, Sing a song during the boring times. But, always be making noise.
Life since then has been really a blur of shows, and work.
I can't discern.
I must digress.
this is the end of my story.
All of our lives are stories worth telling. I encourage you to do so. Write a song about the good time, write a song about the bad times, Sing a song during the boring times. But, always be making noise.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)